Jonathan Franzen is going to be on the cover of TIME. I had it on good authority that I was the other August author under consideration, but so it goes.
Now, many years ago, Nora Ephron — man, how many times have I cited her on this blog — had a killing parody of how to write a magazine cover story. Interestingly, the rules as she observed them do not seem to have changed much. This profile (an abridged version is online) begins with a comically strained scene involving 41 sea otters.
“One of the humans admiring them is Jonathan Franzen. Franzen is a member of another perennially threatened species, the American literary novelist. But he’s not as cool about it as the otters. He’s uneasy. He’s a physically solid guy, 6 ft. 2 in., with significant shoulders, but his posture is not so much hunched as flinched. At 50 (he turns 51 on Aug. 17), Franzen is pleasantly boyish-looking, with permanently tousled hair. But his hair is now heavily salted, and there are crow’s-feet behind his thick-framed nerd glasses.”
So here’s the game: Cut and paste the above paragraph into the comment section and rewrite to describe yourself. Here’s my version. (Hey, I can’t wait forever to be on the cover of TIME.)
One of the humans admiring them is LAURA LIPPMAN. LIPPMAN is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE AMERICAN CRIME NOVELIST WHOSE ENTIRE BACKLIST IS IN PRINT, BUT HAS NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN WITH DIGITAL BOOKS. But she’s not as OBLIVIOUS about it as the otters. She’s HUNGRY. She’s a PHYSICALLY IMPRESSIVE SPECIMEN, 5 ft 9 in., with significant TRICEPS, but her posture is not so much hunched as THE CONSEQUENCE OF SITTING TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF A LAPTOP. At 51 (BUT MADONNA TURNS 52 IN DECEMBER, SO BACK UP OFF HER), LIPPMAN is absurdly toothy-looking, with permanently tousled hair BECAUSE SHE HAS NEVER LEARNED HOW TO BLOW-DRY HER HAIR PROPERLY. But hey eyebrows are now heavily salted if she FORGETS TO USE HER LAURA MERCIER TINT and there are crow’s-feet at the CORNERS OF HER CORNFLOWER BLUE EYES, WHICH MEANS SHE IS A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN AND THEREFORE INVISIBLE TO ALMOST EVERYONE ON THE PLANET. EVEN THE OTTERS CAN’T SEE HER.
The cover of Time-wow! I think that you would be much more interesting than Joanathan Franzen (not that I have anything against him) but I guess literary fiction is closer to extinction than crime fiction. (Not that they are mutually exclusive and I do think that you write literary crime fiction but for purposes of Time, Inc., I suspect that the general perception would be Lippman/crime and Franzen/literary.)
Middle aged women are invisible, aren’t we? Speaking of the invisible middle-aged woman, I was just reading Nancy Nall’s theoretical description of the passenger that caused the flight attendant to grab a beer and quit: “I Grow Old, and Thus Invis�i�ble, There�fore I Rage” So this makes two references to the invisible middle aged woman in one afternoon’s blog reading.
One of the humans admiring them is KEITH SNYDER. SNYDER is a member of another NON-METAPHORICALLY ENDANGERED species, the VERY TIRED FATHER OF TWINS WHO CAN’T REMEMBER THE PLOT OF HIS UNNECESSARILY LONG AND MULTILAYERED FIRST DRAFT. But he’s not as CUTE AS the otters. He’s TIRED, SEE PREVIOUS. He’s a physically TIRED guy, 6 ft. 1 in., with CALVES TO DIE FOR, but his posture is not so much hunched as TIRED. At 44 (he turns 87 IN FEBRUARY), SNYDER is pleasantly TIRED-looking, with LESS hair THAN LAST YEAR. But his hair is now heavily salted BECAUSE HE THINKS IT’S FUNNY WHEN HIS TWINS DO THAT and there are crow’s-feet behind his CROW’S FEET.
One of the humans admiring them is CORNELIA READ. READ is a member of another perennially threatened species, the American CRIME NOVELIST WHOSE PUBLISHER KEEPS TRYING TO MARKET HER AS LITERARY, EVEN THOUGH SHE IS TERRIFIED OF/APPALLED BY LITERARY PEOPLE AND HATES DRINKING WITH THEM EVEN WHEN THEY PICK UP THE TAB. But she’s not as cool about it as the otters ALTHOUGH SHE HAPPENS TO KNOW* THAT SEA OTTERS HAVE FOUR-INCH RETRACTABLE CLAWS AND SHOULD ACTUALLY BE CALLED “THE WOLVERINES OF THE SEA” NO MATTER HOW CUTE THEY LOOK (*BECAUSE HER LITTLE BROTHER USED TO NARRATE ONE OF THOSE BOAT TOURS OF MONTEREY BAY AND SHE’S KIND OF ASPERGERS-Y WITH THE TRIVIA LIKE THAT [SO KISS MY ASS, FRANZEN.]) She’s EASY, AND HAS EVEN BEEN CALLED A CHEAP DATE. She’s a physically solid CHICK, 5 ft. 6 in., with significant BOOBULAGE, but her posture is not so much hunched as SWAYBACKED. At 47 (she turns 48 next March), READ is pleasantly boyish-looking EXCEPT FOR THE BOOBULAGE, with permanently tousled hair BECAUSE LIKE HER HERO LAURA LIPPMAN SHE CAN’T BLOWDRY HER OWN HAIR FOR SHIT. Her hair is now A LOT LESS BLONDE BECAUSE SHE IS KIND OF BROKE JUST AT THE MOMENT, BUT SHE DOESN’T HUGELY HAVE CROW’S FEET YET WHICH SHE SUPPOSES IS A BIT OF COMPENSATION FOR THE REST OF HOW THIS YEAR WENT (ALTHOUGH IT CAN’T POSSIBLY LAST, OF COURSE.)
One of the humans admiring them is CLAIR LAMB. LAMB is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE EDITOR WHO CARES ABOUT SPELLING. But she’s not as CHEERFUL about it as the otters. She’s ANXIOUS. She’s a LARGE, UNTIDY SPECIMEN, 5 ft 8., with significant HAIR, but her posture is not so much hunched as SLOPPY. At 44, LAMB is ALMOST INTERCHANGEABLE WITH THE AGING MID-ATLANTIC PREP SCHOOL GIRLS OF HER GENERATION, BECAUSE SHE STILL SHOPS AT EXACTLY THE SAME STORES. But her hair is now heavily salted if she DOESN�T KEEP UP WITH IT EVERY SIX WEEKS and ONLY THE EXTRA WEIGHT KEEPS HER FACE RELATIVELY UNLINED.
“One of the humans admiring them is JONATHAN JORDAN. JORDAN is a member of another perennially threatened species, the American READER. But he’s not as CASUAL about it as the otters. He’s PISSED. He’s a WELL READ guy, 9 FEET TALL IN HIS HEAD., with significant HAIR LOSS, but his posture is not so much hunched as CAFFEINATED . At 48 (he turns 51 SOMEDAY), JORDAN is BORED WITH ARTICLES ABOUT THE DEATH OF PRINT, WHICH SEEMS TO BE ALL THE RAGE WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO LAZY TO GET THE WHOLE STORY AND CARE MORE ABOUT HITS ON A DAMN BLOG. But his BOOKCASES is STILL FULL OF NEW PRINTED BOOKS, and WILL CONTINUE TO BE AS EBOOKS REALLY AREN’T GOING TO REPLACE PRINT ANYTIME SOON, BUT WILL RATHER BE JUST ANOTHER WAY TO READ.
Yep, 51, furiously waving my lunch lady arms but wait, I’m invisible. The only trace I was here is a smidgen of breeze in the air.
One of the humans WISHING SHE WERE ONE OF them is HEATHER Y. Y is a member of another species THAT OTHERS WISH WERE perennially threatened, the American WANNABE novelist. But SHE�S not as cool about it as the otters. IS SHE uneasy? WHY, YES. YES SHE IS. She’s a physically THIN, YET MUSHY WOMAN, 5 ft. 4 in., with PERPETUALLY SORE shoulders AND HUGE TRACTS OF LAND, but HER posture is not so much hunched as BEATEN DOWN BY HER CURRENT STATE OF EXISTENCE. At 40 (SHE turns 41 on FEB. 27), Y is INVISIBLY RAGE FILLED, with LONG hair IN DEFIANCE OF THIS FACT. But HER hair is now heavily salted, ESPECIALLY ON THE SIDES OF HER 4 INCHES OF GROWN OUT HIGHLIGHTS; SO MUCH SO, THAT SHE RESEMBLES PAULY WALNUTS� AND DEE SNIDER�S LOVE CHILD, and SHE WOULD RATHER HAVE crow’s-feet THAN HAVING TO BECOME REMBRANDT EVERY MORNING WITH THE MARY-KAY CONCEALER, JUST TO BE PRESENTABLE.
…At 49 (just three months from the age when his maternal grandfather suddenly died), Hart, with thinning hair, and bags under his eyes, behind his thick-framed nerd glasses, looks
anxious, as if personally troubled by impermanence.”
“One of the humans admiring them is MARJORIE OF CONNECTICUT. MARJORIE is a member of another perennially threatened species, the MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN WHO ACCEPTS THAT SHE IS TRULY MIDDLE-AGED. But she’s not QUITE as UNSELFCONSCIOUS about it as the otters, SUNNING AND BASKING, BELLIES TURNED TO THE SUN. She’s ACCEPTING OF THAT HALF CENTURY OLD SKIN OF HERS WITH NO TRACES OF BOTOX. She’s a physically solid BIG GAL; ZAFTIG, FULL-FIGURED, PLUMP OR BIG-BONED, AND AT 5 ft. 10 in. SHE’S TALL WAS WELL AS WIDE, with significant BREASTS AND BELLY, but HER posture is not so much hunched OVER as ENGAGED IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH WITH GRAVITY. At 52 (SHE turns 53 IN FOUR MONTHS AND FIVE DAYS BUT WHO’S COUNTING? NOT SHE.), TUCKER is pleasantly BEMUSED WITH LIFE, YET with A permanently QUIZZICAL BROW DEEP IN THOUGHT ABOUT IDEAS SHE WILL NEVER SHARE. Her hair NOW SPROUTS FROM HER BROWS IN SILVER AS WELL AS BROWN. There are crow’s-feet ON HER CROW’S FEET AND behind her NON-GLARE COATED PROGRESSIVE PRESCRIPTION LENSES WITH THE CRYSTAL ACCENTS ON THE FRAMES ARE EYES OF ACCEPTANCE, INTELLIGENCE AND HUMOR AND PERHAPS A SOUPCON OF WISTFULNESS.”
I love you!
I was right — this is fun and I can only hope all the regulars will play. Best group of folks on the web.
“One of the humans admiring them is BRYON QUERTERMOUS. QUERTERMOUS is a member of another perennially threatened species, the ASPIRING AMERICAN NOVELIST WILLING TO PUT IN THE WORK AND JUMP THROUGH THE HOOPS AND GENERALLY JUMP AS HIGH AS THEY TELL HIM TO IN THE HOPES THAT HE WILL BE PUBLISHED IN THE WAY HIS HEREOS WERE. But he’s not as cool about it as the otters. He’s uneasy. He’s a physically MUSHY guy, 6 ft. O in., with significant MIDDLE, but his posture is not so much hunched as ASLEEP. At 33(HE TURNS 34 LATER THIS MONTH AFTER HIS SON AND BEFORE HIS DAUGHTER, TWO THINGS HE WAS PRETTY SURE HE’D NEVER TYPE IN A FAUX LITERARY INTERVIEW PARAGRAPH), QUERTERMOUS is DESPERATLEY boyish-looking, with SHAVED HAIR AND NOVELTY T-SHIRTS PURCHASED ON SALE AT WALMART WASHED HEAVY ENOUGH TO POSSIBLY PASS AS THRIFT STORE FINDS. HIS EYES STILL GLIMMER WITH OPTIMISM behind his thick-framed nerd glasses, EVEN THOUGH THE GLASSES ARE UNCOMFORTABLE AND HE ONLY WEARS THEM TO LOOK LIKE A WRITER BECAUSE HE HAS TIED HIS IDENTITY TO BEING A WRITER AND IF HE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE SOCIETY’S VERSION OF A WRITER PEOPLE WILL SUSPECT HE’S JUST AN OUT-OF-SHAPE, AGING WANNABE SLACKER WITH TWO KIDS HE SHOULD WORRY ABOUT SUPPORTING INSTEAD OF PLAYING ON THE COMPUTER WITH IMAGINARY CHARACTERS AND SKETCHY BLOG ASSOCIATES.
One of the humans admiring them is JEANNE RAWLUK. RAWLUK is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE UNPUBLISHED WHO HAS CHARACTERS WHO MUST TELL YOU THEIR STORIES and WILL NOT GIVE UP AND IS IGNORING THE 300 MILLION MSS IN 40 FOOT HIGH PILES AND WILL NOT SUCCUMB to THE SELF-PUB’ED ROUTE. She is DETERMINED. She realizes she’s not one of the 30something’s but her mother says she looks good FOR 48 which isn’t too far from 35. That Guy agrees. She’s SHORTER than 20 years ago because she lost 3″ somewhere between the move from NJ to FL to NC, but THE HOURGLASS CONFIGURATION IS STILL INTACT. PREMATURE GRAY AND REFUSES TO ENHANCE HAIR COLOR because IT’S A STARTLING BONUS and whose hairdresser says people pay $$ for HER NATURAL HIGHLIGHTS. SHE DOESN’T MIND BEING INVISIBLE AT TIMES BECAUSE SHE CAN COMFORTABLY EAVESDROP, HEARING INCREDIBLE THINGS AND IS OFTEN TEMPTED TO ASK: CAN YOU REPEAT THAT? BECAUSE RAWLUK DIDN’T HEAR WHAT THE SECOND WOMAN SAID WHEN LEARNING HER THIRD COUSIN ON HER DADDY’S SIDE DECIDED HER COUSIN’S FIRST EX NEEDED KILLING AND SAVED HER THE TROUBLE?
“One of the humans admiring them is MARK HASKELL SMITH. SMITH is a member of another perennially threatened species, the TRANSGRESSIVE SEX COMEDY THRILLER WRITER. But he’s not as cool about it as the otters. He’s uneasy. He’s a physically solid guy, 6 ft., with significant shoulders, but his posture is NOT SO BAD ‘COS HE DOES YOGA. At 53 , SMITH is pleasantly boyish-looking, with permanently VANISHED hair and there are crow’s-feet behind his thick-framed nerd glasses.”
“One of the humans admiring them is Jason Pinter. Pinter is a member of another perennially threatened species, the STRAIGHT MALE WHO WORKS IN PUBLISHING. But he’s not as cool about it as the otters. He’s uneasy. He’s a BIG FREAKING GUY, 6 ft. 3 in., A FORMER COLLEGE LINEMAN WHO HAS BEEN GAINING AND LOSING THE SAME 20 LBS. FOR 5 YEARS but his posture is not so much hunched GOOD LORD CAN’T THAT BOY STAND UP STRAIGHT. At 30 (he turns 50 in 2029), Pinter is pleasantly boyish-looking, with permanently UNKEMPT hair WHICH HE’S JUSt HAPPY TO HAVE CONSIDERING EVERY MALE IN HIS FAMILY LOOKS LIKE TELLY SAVALAS. But his hair is now heavily salted OR AT LEAST IT WILL BE SOON and there are crows ACTUALLY ATTACKING HIM BECAUSE HE HAS LIVED IN NEW YORK TOO LONG AND THE CROWS JUST ASSUME HE IS MADE OF STRAW.”
One of the humans admiring them is JEFF ABBOTT. ABBOTT is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE AMERICAN CRIME NOVELIST WHOSE BOOKS ARE MORE POPULAR IN EUROPE THAN THE US BUT DOES NOT OWN A BERET. But he’s not as IMPRESSED about it as the otters. He’s SAINTLY (IN THAT THE SAINTS ARE HIS OBSESSION). He’s a PHYSICALLY WHATEVER SPECIMEN, 6 ft 2 in., with significant BROWN EYES THAT GIVE HIM A CHOIRBOY AIR THAT HAVE FOOLED BETTER PEOPLE THAN YOU, but his posture is not so much hunched as BROKEN BY HIS ENDLESS TYPING. At 29 (HE COMPLETELY LACKS MATH SKILLS), ABBOTT is absurdly toothy-looking, with permanently tousled hair THAT IS STILL FULL AND LUSH BUT MAY SOON BE BEST FRIENDS WITH A BOX OF ‘JUST FOR MEN’. But his eyebrows are now heavily salted if he GOES FACE-FORWARD INTO THE MARGARITA GLASS and there are crow’s-feet behind THE INCREDIBLY STYLISH CALVIN KLEIN GLASSES THAT HIS WIFE PICKED OUT FOR HIM BUT HE TELLS EVERYONE THAT HE PICKED THEM HIMSELF.
“One of the humans admiring them M.J. ROSE. ROSE is a member of another perennially threatened species, the AUTHOR WHO HAS A DAY JOB AND A BOOK A YEAR CONTRACT. But SHE�S not as NEGATIVE about it as the otters. SHE ACTUALLY BELIEVES PEOPLE WILL NEVER STOP READING OR HAVING SEX EVEN IF WE�RE INVISIBLE AND THAT MIRACLES CAN HAPPEN. SHE�S A PALE, ROUND AND SHORT WOMAN, BARELY MAKING IT TO 5FT 2IN., with INsignificant shoulders. At 56 (WHO NEEDS TO KNOW WHEN SHE TURNS ANYTHING ANYMORE), ROSE is ALWAYS DRESSED IN BLACK LIKE MOST NEW YORKERS, WHICH CAN BE SEEN A EITHER CHIC, CHEAP OR BORING DEPENDING ON YOUR POV with PRECISELY tousled hair BECUAUSE SHE�S ADDICTED TO BOTH THE SHOE DEPT AT BERGORFS AND HER HAIR STYLIST. (TWO OF THE PERKS OF KEEPING YOUR DAY JOB.) SO HER hair MIGHT BE heavily salted BUT ONLY HER HAIRDRESSER KNOWS FOR SURE and IT�S NOT THE crow’s-feet THAT ARE THE PROBLEM BUT SHE DOES FEEL BAD ABOUT HER NECK AND THANKS NORA EPHRON (WHO CAME UP WITH THIS GAME) SO VERY MUCH, FOR HELPING HER LAUGH AT IT – WHICH IS ALL YOU CAN DO ABOUT THIS AGING THING.�
One of the humans admiring them is G.M. MALLIET. MALLIET is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE WRITER OF TRADITIONAL MYSTERIES. But she’s not as SANGUINE about it as the otters. She’s WORRIED. PHYSICALLY, SHE’S AN INVITATION TO MUGGERS, AT 5 ft 7-1/2 in., WITH A DEMEANOR THAT SUGGESTS SHE DOES NOT CARRY ENOUGH MONEY TO BE WORTH KILLING FOR, AND THUS MAY BE KILLED IN SOME KIND OF WEIRD KILLER REVENGE SCENARIO. At [DO I REALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT MY AGE?], MALLIET is LOOKING LIKE SHE NEEDS SOME TIME IN THE TANNING SALON, NOT TO MENTION A HAIRDRESSER WHO DOES NOT MAKE HER LOOK LIKE SOMETHING THAT FELL OUT OF A VAN DYKE PAINTING. But her eyebrows are now heavily salted AND SHE IS NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT THAT MEANS, AS SHE DOES WASH HER FACE DAILY and there are crow’s-feet behind HER, EVEN THOUGH SHE KEEPS ASKING THE CROWS IF THEY WOULD PLEASE GET THE HELL OUT OF HER OFFICE.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, all of you, for making me laugh.
One of the humans admiring them is Donna Dove. Dove is a member of another perennial threatened species, the Oklahoma fly fisher. But she’s more determined than the others. She won’t let the lack of trout or the strong wind deter her. Standing at a height of almost 6 feet tall and wearing her ballcap adorned with magnifying glasses, she is determined to tie the perfect fly on her line and catch a fish – any fish. After all, isn’t that why the otters are here? At 57, Dove’s grin has etched permanent wrinkles around her mouth, and she hides the dark circles under her eyes with her brown rimmed bifocals.
“One of the humans admiring them is BRIAN STOUDER. STOUDER is a member of RAPIDLY VANISHING species, the MIDDLE-AGED, MIDDLE-INCOME, MIDDLE American WHITE GUY WHO IS HAPPY WITH THE CURRENT US GOVERNMENT. But he’s not as cool about it as the otters, BECAUSE REALLY, THE OTTERS ARE PLEASED AS PUNCH REGARDLESS, AM I RIGHT? STILL, He’s uneasy THESE DAYS. HE USED TO THINK MOST OF THE WHITE-GUY ANGER HE WAS EXPOSED TO (IN THE COURSE OF ANY GIVEN WORKDAY AT THE OFFICE) WAS AN ANOMALY, OR A TRANSIENT THING; BUT AS IT CONTINUED TO FERMENT, HIS OUTLOOK DARKENED. He’s a physically UNIMPRESSIVE guy, 5 ft. 8 in., with ROUNDED shoulders, AND his posture is not so much hunched as FORM-FITTED TO THE CUBICLE LIFE THAT HE LEADS, AS AN INSIDE-SALES PERSON. At 49 (he turns 50 on MARCH 19, A DATE THAT PRESIDENT BUSH MARRED FOREVERMORE, BUT WE DIGRESS), STOUDER is pleasantly DISPOSED, with permanently THIN hair, WHICH IS GROWING THINNER. But WHAT HAIR HE HAS is now heavily salted, and there are crow’s-feet behind THE glasses HE WEARS WHEN HE DRIVES (SO THAT HE CAN READ THE STREET SIGNS), BUT WHICH HE ALWAYS LOSES WHEN HE GETS WHERE HE’S GOING, SINCE HE DOESN’T WEAR THEM WHEN READING BOOKS OR WORKING AT HIS DESK .”
This has been fun stuff; and now I want to see a photograph of Marjorie of Connecticut!
“One of the humans admiring them is LISE McCLENDON. McCLENDON is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE AMERICAN NOVELIST WHO TAKES THE SUMMER OFF AND IS HORRIBLE WITH DEADLINES. But she’s not as cool about it as the otters. SHE’S COMPLACENT, WAY TOO PATIENT, AND GIVEN TO BURSTS OF HILARITY WHEN ASKED ABOUT HER CAREER. A physically NONDESCRIPT 5 ft. 7 in. and shrinking, with significant CELLULITE, HER posture is not so much hunched as UBER-HUNCHED FROM SITTING AT THE COMPUTER. At AN AGE WHEN WHEN SHE DOESN’T LIKE TO BE ASKED HER AGE, McCLENDON is pleasantly SQUINTY WITH THE UBIQUITOUS READING GLASSES ON HER HEAD. But HER hair is now heavily DYED, FOILED, AND GENERALLY INAUTHENTIC, and there are crow’s-feet behind HER POLKA DOT READING glasses THAT EVEN OTTERS CAN BUY BECAUSE THEY ARE WAY TOO CUTE.”
One of the humans admiring them is GLENDA LARKE. LARKE is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE AUSTRALIAN FANTASY NOVELIST WHO LIVES IN AN ASIAN COUNTRY THAT MOST PEOPLE CAN’T FIND ON A MAP. But she’s not as INDIFFERENT about it as the otters. She’s PERPETUALLY CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT MAKES SOME NOVELS SELL, AND OTHERS NOT. She’s a PHYSICALLY UNIMPRESSIVE SPECIMEN, 5 ft 2 in., with significant SHRINKAGE OCCURRING ON A YEARLY BASIS, but her posture is not so much hunched as THE CONSEQUENCE OF AGEING MUCH FASTER THAN IS JUSTIFIABLE AS FAR AS SHE IS CONCERNED. At 65 (SHE’D TURN 35 NEXT YEAR IF THERE WAS ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD), LARKE is absurdly WRINKLED-PRUNE-looking with permanently INCREASING HIPS, BECAUSE SHE CAN’T AFFORD TO PAY FOR MIRACLES, LIPOSUCTION OR PLASTIC SURGERY. HER hair is now FALLING OUT AND THINNING BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT and there are crow’s-feet EVERYWHERE, NOT JUST AT THE CORNER OF HER EYES, WHICH MEANS SHE IS A POST-MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN AND THEREFORE CONSIDERED EITHER A WITCH OR A CRONE OR A HAG OR AN OLD BIDDY, INVISIBLE TO ALMOST EVERYONE WHO’S NOT A PIGEON IN THE PARK, WHICH SPECIES ARE UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT SHE WILL FEED THEM.
One of the humans admiring them is ANDY GORDON. GORDON is a member of another perennially threatened species AND NEAR DEATH PROFESSION OF PUBLIC LIBRARIAN AND SHOULD BE CLOSE TO DEATH PROFESSION OF LAWYER (FORMER). He’s not as cool [] as the otters BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN HIS POWER IS OFF, AND THE AC IS LONG GONE. He’s uneasy MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH MOST EVERYONE. He’s CLOSE TO A 5′ 9″ HUNK SINCE HE’S LOST 35 POUNDS AND HAS MUSCLED UP. His posture is not so much hunched as CONSTANTLY CONTORTED IN SEARCH OF THAT COMFORT ZONE. At 56 (HE MENTALLY TURNS 13 NEXT FEBRUARY), GORDON IS BALDING, GRAYING, BUT LIKES TO IMAGINE HIMSELF AS A CROSS BETWEEN CARY GRANT AND BRUCE WILLIS. WHAT HAIR HE DOES HAVE IS permanently tousled AND BEYOND THE HOPE OF MOST HAIR STYLISTS. But his hair is now heavily-salted FROM BODY-SURFING EPISODES ON THE DELAWARE BEACHES, WHICH OFTEN HAPPEN IN HIS MIND BUT NOT IN REAL LIFE. THERE ARE NO crow’s-feet AT THE CORNER OF HIS EYES BUT A PIGEON FLYING AROUND UNION STATION YESTERDAY MORNING ALMOST DROPPED A LOAD ON TOP OF HIS thick-framed nerd glasses.
One of the humans admiring them is Patricia Abbott. Abbott is a member of another perennially beleagured species, mother of an award-winning novelist who can�t write a novel–those stories only get you so far. But she’s not as blase about it as the otters. She’s jealous, damned jealous. She’s a PHYSICALLY UN-IMPRESSIVE SPECIMEN, 5 ft 2 in., with little body tone, her posture is not so much hunched, but the victim of a family proclivity for osteoporosis. At 62 (and the oldest person that still has no agent in sight), Abbott is absurdly oblivious to how to apply makeup or to walk in high heels,(sixties girls were natural but none of you remember that) with permanently dyed and strangely colored hair, BECAUSE SHE HAS NEVER BEEN WILLING to pay for professional help. She can�t even see her eyebrows,(blasted far-sightedness) and is more invisible than anyone on here and ALMOST EVERYONE ON THE PLANET. EVEN THE OTTERS CAN’T SEE HER and living in an urban environment, it�s a good thing, that.
One of the humans admiring them is LAUREN HENDERSON. HENDERSON is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE LESSER SPOTTED FAG HAG WHO WRITES FILTHY NOVELS. But she’s not as COMPETITIVE about it as the otters. She’s OBSESSED WITH WILL AND GRACE AND THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST. She’s THE AVERAGE HEIGHT OF A WOMAN IN SOUTHERN ITALY, 5 ft 2 in., with significant SECONDARY SEXUAL CHARACTERISTICS, but her posture is not so much hunched as QUASIMODO-ISHLY CROOKED UP ON THE RIGHT SIDE FROM CARRYING OVERSIZED HANDBAGS FULL OF LIBRARY BOOKS. At 43 (SHE IS SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED TO BE WRITING TEEN LOVE SCENES AT 43, BUT IT DOES PAY THE BILLS), HENDERSON is absurdly SNOOKI-looking with permanently INCREASING EVERYTHING. HER hair is L’OREAL VIVID RED 3.66 AND WILL BE FOR SOME TIME TO COME and there are crow’s-feet ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE. SHE HAS NO CROW’S-FEET AT ALL, WHICH PROBABLY MEANS THAT SHE COULD STAND TO LOSE 15 LBS AT LEAST.
What? None of the women, especially those who have crossed the 1/2-century mark,are 88 pound size 0′s with long, blond, hair extensions, and perfectly toned arms (except LL)? How wonderful to know I’m not the only one, although I have to admit I’ve come a lot further than the rest of you on this path to invisibility.
We are a candid lot, aren’t we, June? However, I felt entitled to mention my triceps because my trainer mentioned them at the last workout. Yet for all I do, I still have some bat wing issues.
“One of the humans admiring them is Jennifer Martin. Martin is a member of another perennially over-populated species, the American would-be novelist. But she’s not as cool about it as the others. She’s panicked. She’s a physically unimpressive gal, 5 ft. 4 in., with a new and significant middle-aged paunch, and her posture is not so much hunched as it is just plain poor. At 46 (she turns 47 on Dec. 11), Martin is pleasantly mom-looking, with brown, permanently tousled hair from constantly waking up 15 minutes too late for work each morning. But her hair now regularly requires professional intervention, and there is an aggrieved expression on her face as she stomps around the soccer, lacrosse, and football fields to all her teen-agers’ games in her thick-soled nerd shoes…because she has run out of time to invent, write, and publish her first novel in time for said novel to be ‘picked’ for Oprah’s show.”
@Brian S. – No, no, no! And did I mention no?
@June – I was never a sylph or a looker. And somehow that is harder at 20 than it is as 50. I guess I have less to loss in middle age because it’s not stuff that I had in the first place.
@Bryon Q. – “his posture is not so much hunched as ASLEEP” made me laugh out loud!
@Laura and all of you – Thanks for sharing.
–Marjorie of CT
oh oh oh – TOO FUN!
I am currently reading Nevada Barr’s Burn and besides making me want to go to New Orleans (and I am lucky because I actually am going there in November) it too refers to the invisible middle-aged woman: “Middle-aged females were considered the safest, most innocuous of Americans, often invisible, sometimes tedious, but never alarming.”
I am beginning to understand why there are red hat societies whose members wear purple.
One of the humans admiring them is KM. KM is a member of another perennially threatened species, government contractors who wait out each fiscal year hoping the funding comes through and the family gets to eat for another year. But she’s not as desperate as the otters. She has a hobby that has at times made her money and she can always fall back on that. She’s is not a physically impressive person, 5 ft 6 in., with too much belly flab, and her posture is not so much hunched as the consequence of wanting to remain invisible to her critical mother. At 55 , KM is absurdly normal-looking, with permanently tousled hair because she doesn�t have the time or interest to maintain herself. Her eyebrows are now sparse and if she forgets to touch them up with Smashmouth brow tech, they are invisible. There are crow’s-feet at the corners of her too small, deep set eyes which means she is a ginger who went out in the sun too much when she was younger.
“One of the humans admiring them is SAL TOWSE. TOWSE is a member of another perennially threatened species, A READER, A WRITER. But she’s not as COPACETIC about it as the otters. SHE’S TRIPPING AND MOODY AND ANGSTY AND GIDDY ALL AT THE SAME TIME. SHE’S a physically solid GAL, SMALL BUT TOUGH, 5’4″. HER LEGS ARE PISTONS FROM TROTTING UP AND DOWN SAN FRANCISCO HILLS — THEY HAVE TO BE BECAUSE OF WHERE SHE LIVES, WHICH IS OFF THE STREET MAP GRID ON A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. At 58 (TURNED ON Aug 12), TOWSE IS OLDER THAN ANY OF THE TOWSE SIBS HAVE EVER BEEN. FOURTH OF SIX, SHE’S NOW FIRST OF THREE AND THE FAMILY MATRIARCH. HOW DID THAT EVER HAPPEN? TOWSE is pleasantly boyish-looking, with SUMMER OF LOVE HAIR NOW THREADED WITH GREY, and there are crow’s-feet. YES, INDEED. IF SHE’D ONLY AGREE TO BOTOX, WE MIGHT NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT. BUT SHE SAYS, NO. NEVER. WON’T.
One of the humans admiring them is Barbara the Poet. Barbara is a member of another perennially threatened species, the writer who waited till her kids grew up to start writing and actually has managed to write and publish thanks entirely to her writing group and their intractable–some would say tyrannical–deadlines. But she’s not as sanguine about it as the otters. No, she’s mad at herself for not doing this decades ago. She looks like she came out of a mix-n-match bin, with strong legs from dancing, a freckled face, and a belly that keeps expanding in spite of all the promises from the daily Pilates workout that after this hour you’ll have that long, lean Pilates body. About to turn 60 (which she suddenly realized checking her heart rate against the 50 scale on the stationary bike), Barbara can be pleasantly boyish-looking if you ignore the afore-mentioned belly and what Cornelia so delightfully called boobulage, not to mention the given-up-to-grey hair and multiple pairs of glasses for different uses. On the other hand, she can’t imagine trading her life for anyone else’s, even to laze around on the sand like the otters.
“One of the humans admiring them is JOSHILYN JACKSON. JACKSON is a member of another perennially threatened species, the STAY AT HOME MOM TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING IN THE ARTS. She’s not as POLITICALLY SAVVY about it as the otters WHICH MAY SEEM HARD AS OTTERS HAVE ABOUT AS MUCH POLITICAL SAVVY AS SAND, AND YET, SOMEHOW, ALMOST MAGICALLY, JACKSON GETS UNDER. She’s GASSY. She’s a physically PNEUMATIC PILLOW with BOOBS so significant THEY TEND TO ENTER THE ROOM DAYS BEFORE SHE DOES, but her posture is not so much BOOB-PROUD as CHRONICLY BACK-PAINED. At FORTY MUMBLE SOEMTHING—OKAY TWO. FINE FORTY-TWO. ARE YOU HAPPY, TIME, TO REPORT IT SO DAMN ACCURATELY? — JACKSON is pleasantly MOMish-looking, with permanently tousled hair BECAUSE HER DAUGHTER LIKES TO FIX IT AND NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF AN 8 YEAR OLD COMING AT YOUR HEAD WITH 9 FLOWER BARRETTES AND A HELLO KITTY DETANGLING COMB. But her hair is now LIGHTLY salted AT THE ROOTS WHILE THE ENDS MYSTERIOUSLY SEEM TO HAVE NO GRAY AT ALL and there IS A MANIACAL GLEAM THAT SPEAKS OF HIGH MENTAL ILLNESS NUMBERS AND BOOK DEADLINES behind her thick-framed nerd glasses.”
“One of the humans admiring them is GRAY JAMES. JAMES is a member of another perennially threatened species, the WRITING MOTHER OF ADULT CHILDREN WHO HAVE RETURNED HOME SPECIFICALLY TO END ALL �PRIVATE ADULT TIME� WITH HER HUSBAND AND STYMIE THE COMPLETION OF HER CURRENT NOVEL. But she�s not as SANGUINE about it as the otters. SHE�S FRUSTRATED. SHE�S A JUICY PEACH A BIT PAST HER PRIME, 5 ft. 7 in., with significant MIDDLE-AGED SPREAD, but her posture is not so much hunched as MILITARILY ERECT WITH THE FORCE OF RELENTLESS DAILY DUMBELL ROWS. At 51 (she turns 52 EVENTUALLY), JAMES is DECEPTIVELY MATERNAL-LOOKING, with permanently tousled hair THAT LOOKS GREAT FOR ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES AFTER SHE�S STYLED IT. But HER HAIR IS BARELY SALTED DESPITE THE PLANS SHE MADE DECADES AGO TO VIRTUOUSLY GO COMPLETELY GRAY WHILE HER FRIENDS WERE SLAVES TO THE DYE BOTTLE. PEOPLE ASSUME SHE COLORS HERS ANYWAY, A PERENNIAL SOURCE OF IRRITATION, and there are crow’s-feet BESIDE HER EYES THAT SHE DOESN�T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT.”
One of the humans admiring them is HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN. Ryan is a member of another perennially threatened species, the TELEVISION JOURNALIST WHO DOES NOT CARE ABOUT PREPUBESCENT POP SINGERS OR REALITY SHOW STARS AND ACTUALLY SPEAKS IN FULL SENTENCES. But she’s not as ARTICULATE about it as the otters. She’s uneasy. She’s WORRIED SHE’S GETTING SHORTER, NOW 5 FT. 7IN. BUT IS CERTAIN SHE WAS ONCE 5 FT. 8IN. BUT HAS NO DOCUMENTATION TO PROVE IT, but her posture is not so much hunched AS TEETERING, ATTEMPTING TO BALANCE IN HER HIGH HEELS TO MAKE UP FOR THE INCIPIENT SHORTNESS. At 60 (SHE’LL MOST LIKELY BE 60 AGAIN NEXT YEAR), Ryan is deceptively focused-looking, with permanently tousled hair BECAUSE OF THE READING GLASSSES THAT SHE MUST KEEP STASHING ON TOP OF HER HEAD AND THEN REMOVING IN ORDER TO ACTUALLY FOCUS ON WRITING HER MYSTERIES WITHOUT SPLITTING ANY MORE INFINITIVES. But her hair is now GETTING DARKER BY THE SECOND, UNFORTUNATELY STARTING AT THE ROOTS, and there are crows-feet, WELL, LITERALLY EVERYWHERE,EVEN IN PLACES SHE WOULD NOT LET THIS REPORTER SEE.
One of the humans admiring them is CYNTHIA BASKIN. BASKIN is a member of another perennially threatened species, the MIDDLE-AGED, SEEMINGLY-PAST-HER-PRIME-BUT-SHE-KNOWS-BETTER, FREELANCE EDITING ‘HO. But she’s not as WORKED UP about it as the otters. SHE”S A BIT BURNED OUT FROM BEING THE ABOVE-REFERENCED ENTITY, and STILL QUITE SHORT AT A MERE 5 FT.(AND POSSIBLY BEGINNING TO SHRINK), with SLIGHTLY MUSCULAR shoulders (IF YOU LOOK HARD ENOUGH), but her posture is not so much hunched as SCRUNCHY YET SOMETIMES ACHINGLY STRAIGHT (THANKS TO CALCIUM SUPPLEMENTS). At 56 (A VERY RECENT 56, THAT IS), BASKIN is pleasantly MIDDLE-AGED, YET LOOKS YOUNGER THAN SHE REALLY IS (PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY COMMENTED ON THAT AND SHE’S NOT MAKING THAT UP), with THICK, EYE-CATCHING, DARK BROWN, NATURALLY RED HIGHLIGHTED hair THAT BEGINS TO FRIZZ IMMEDIATELY AFTER STYLING THANKS TO THE DAILY POST-STYLING SWEATING. But HER HAIR IS now SOMEWHAT salted, and there are UNDENIABLE YET EQUALLY UNOBTRUSIVE crow’s-feet behind HER EVER-PRESENT UNCOOL BUT COMFORTABLE glasses.”
One of the humans admiring them is RACHEL E. POLLOCK. POLLOCK is a member of another perennially threatened species, the WRITER WHOSE DAY JOB IS IN THEATRE. NO REALLY, WE ARE 100% SERIOUS. WOULD TIME MAGAZINE BULLSHIT YOU? But She’s not as cool about it as the otters. SHe’s INCANDESCENT. SHe’s a physically PULCHRITUDINOUS GAL, 5 ft. 4 in., with BODACIOUS TATAS, but HER posture is not so much hunched as MAINTAINED WITH HIGHLY ENGINEERED OVER-THE-SHOULDER BOULDER-HOLDERS. At 38 (She turns 39 on JUNE 9TH, WHICH ALSO HAPPENS TO BE JOHNNY DEPP’S BIRTHDAY, THOUGH THEY HAVEN’T CELEBRATED TOGETHER IN YEARS), POLLOCK is pleasantly RETRO-looking, with permanently SUICIDE-BLONDE hair. But HER hair is MORE AND MORE OFTEN SURMOUNTED BY A CHIC HAT THESE DAYS, and there are NO TRACE, THANK EVERY TWINKLY STAR, OF crow’s-feet behind HER DELICATE COPPER-RIMMED CATS-EYE glasses. SHE CREDITS THAT LACK OF OCULAR CORVIDOPEDS TO COMPULSIVE PARASOL-CARRYING AND PERHAPS THE HIDEOUS PORTRAIT OF A HAG IN HER ATTIC.
One of the humans admiring them is JEN ALLUISI. ALLUISI is a member of another perennially threatened species, the FRUSTRATED DREAMER HAMPERED BY HER ADDICTION TO LISTS AND PLANNING OF ALL SORTS. But she’s not as BEMUSED BY it as the otters. She’s ON A SCHEDULE. She’s a SMOOSHY GAL, 5 ft. 6 in., with A LARGE, CURVY FRAME AND CARNIE-SIZED HANDS, but her posture is not so much hunched as DRAGGED DOWN BY HER AMPLE BOSOM. At 32 (she turns 33 on NOV. 5), ALLUISI is UNUSUALLY FUZZY-looking, with permanently tousled hair BECAUSE SHE HAS SHOULDER-LENGTH HAIR THAT MOSTLY ONLY SEES A BLOW DRYER ON THE DAYS SHE GOES TO HER STYLIST FOR A CUT. But her hair is now SPRINGING RANDOM OCCASIONAL UNRULY GRAY WIRES, and there are GIGANTIC COLOR-CHANGING EYES BENEATH HER THICK UNKEMPT EYEBROWS, AS WELL AS NUMEROUS LAUGH LINES, WHICH SHE ALTERNATELY LOVES FOR WHAT THEY REPRESENT AND TRIES TO BANISH WITH ALL-NATURAL MOISTURIZERS.
One of the humans admiring them is AIMEE PARROTT. PARROTT is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE SCREENWRITER TRYING TO BREAK INTO HOLLYWOOD WHO�S HAD SOME MINOR SUCCESS AND A SHORT SCRIPT PROFESSIONALLY PRODUCED BUT STILL DOESN�T HAVE AN AGENT. But she’s not as PESSIMISTIC about it as the otters. She’s TIRED. She’s a DEMENTED SPECIMEN, 5 ft 6 in., with significant HIPS, but her posture is not so much hunched as KNOTTED INTO A FREAKING PRETZEL FROM SITTING AT A COMPUTER DAY AND NIGHT TALKING TO IMAGINARY PEOPLE THAT SHE MADE UP IN HER HEAD. At 41 (YES, SHE�LL BE 42 IN OCTOBER BUT SHE STILL TELLS EVERYONE SHE�S 39), PARROTT is oddly manic-looking, with permanently tousled hair BECAUSE SHE CAN�T BE BOTHERED TO UN-TOUSLE IT, HOLDING DOWN A DULL DAY JOB AND TRYING TO BREAK INTO AN IMPOSSIBLE FIELD IS ENOUGH FOR ONE PERSON, ISN�T IT, WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE PERFECT HAIR TOO? But her curly hair is now lightly salted (HAVE TO WATCH THAT SODIUM INTAKE) when she�s not YANKING THOSE GRAY HAIRS OUT BY THE ROOTS and there are crow’s-feet at the CORNERS OF HER BLUE EYES, BUT SHE TELLS HERSELF YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THEM UNDER THE CONCEALER, ESPECIALLY IF SHE GETS A GOOD NIGHT�S SLEEP, WHICH HARDLY EVER HAPPENS, BUT STILL.
“One of the humans admiring them is KAREN ABBOTT. ABBOTT is a member of another perennially threatened species, THE WRITER OF NARRATIVE NONFICTION WHO HAPPENS TO LACK MAN PARTS, AND WHO IS DRIVEN TO DRINK DAILY BY THE FACT THAT “SHIT MY DAD SAYS” IS GOING TO BE #1 ON THE NYT BESTSELLER LIST FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. She’s not as COMPLACENT about it as the otters, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE OTTERS SEEM TO HAVE FILCHED HER ENTIRE SUPPLY OF VALIUM. She’s BRUISED. She’s a HARDY BUT DAMAGED SPECIMEN, with A KNEE HELD TOGETHER ENTIRELY BY SCREWS AND CADAVER LIGAMENTS, but her GAIT is not so much GIMPY as AS AN UNSPEAKABLY HOT QUASIMODO LURCH. At 37 (WHICH IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT TOO OLD TO KEEP A NAVEL RING ONE ACQUIRED IN COLLEGE, AND BESIDES, IT IS HANDY FOR STORING OFFICE SUPPLIES LIKE PAPERCLIPS AND WHATNOT) ABBOTT is pleasantly demonic-looking, with permanently tousled hair BECAUSE THE PARROTS NEED SOMEPLACE TO NEST, DON’T THEY? But her hair is now LIGHTLY salted AT THE ROOTS, WHICH SHE TRIES (MOSTLY UNSUCCESSFULLY) TO PASS OFF AS “HIGHLIGHTS” IN BETWEEN TRIPS TO THE AVEDA INSTITUTE, and there is A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE HER HEAD, A VOICE THAT SOUNDS, QUITE MAGICALLY, LIKE AN ALL-BOY CHOIR OF OTTERS, TELLING HER EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY, AND THAT, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, SHIT MY DAD SAYS IS PRETTY DAMN FUNNY.
One of the humans admiring them is Jessica Howard. Howard is a member of another perennially threatened species, the independent bookstore employee. But she’s not as oblivious about it as the otters. She’s spoilin’ for a fight. She’s a physically unimpressive specimen, 5 ft 0 in., with a significant amount of weight on her poor tiny frame, but her posture is not so much hunched as the consequence of lugging around bulging boxes of books. At 30 (she turns 31 on Sept. 5), Howard is absurdly mousy-looking, with permanently tousled hair because she has never learned how to blow-dry her hair properly. Not helped by the fact that it’s been close to 18 months since she last said hair trimmed. And, as mentioned above, she’s a good 50 pounds overweight AND THEREFORE INVISIBLE TO ALMOST EVERYONE ON THE PLANET. EVEN THE OTTERS CAN’T SEE HER. Unless she’s standing next to her two (younger) svelte, goddess-like sisters. Then she is just considered an eye-sore.
One of the humans admiring them is JEANETTE CHAPMAN. JEANETTE is a memeber of another perennially threatened species, THE READER WHO THINKS A LOT OF CRAP, REAL TOTAL CRAP, GETS PUBLISHED, AND SHE GETS TRICKED INTO READING IT, AND NOW THINKS SHE CAN WRITE A NOVEL OF HER OWN IF SHE WOULD JUST STICK TO THE WRITING INSTEAD OF PLAYING TOO MANY GAMES OF SOLITAIRE EVERY TIME SHE APPROACHES HER COMPUTER. But she’s not as cute and laid back about it as the otters. OK, YES SHE IS IN FACT AS LAID BACK AS AN OTTER, BUT THE OTHER HUMANS TEND TO INTERPRET THIS BEHAVIOR AS LAZY. She’s a physically FRUSTRATED GIRL, AT 5’0″ SHAPED LIKE A 1960′S ROUNDED FRIDGE WITH BOOBS. Her posture is not so much hunched as SLUMPED. NOT SLUMPED OVER, JUST SLUMPED DOWN, AS THOUGH SHE IS FALLING IN ON HERSELF. AT 41, SHE IS NOT DISPLEASED WITH HER AGE. WITH A BIRTH DATE OF 6/9/69, SHE HAS NEVER ONCE POSED A COMPLAINT ABOUT THE DAY SHE WAS BORN. SHE HAS, QUITE HONESTLY, USED THAT FACT AS AN OCCASSIONAL CONVERSATION STARTER WITH A GOOD LOOKING MAN. SHE WAS NEVER CONSIDERED GOOD LOOKING HERSELF, BUT MAINTAINS A CONFIDENCE, NEVER THE LESS, EVEN WITH THIN FLAT STRAIGHT HAIR THAT CURRENTLY SPORTS A MINI FOUNTAIN OF SALT SPEWING FROM THE TOP AND THE OBVIOUS MARKINGS OF A PREVIOUS DYE JOB THAT HAS GROWN OUT AND NOT BEEN MAINTAINED. HER EYES SHOW NO SIGNS OF CROWS FEET, BUT WITH A BIG ENOUGH SMILE, A CROWS TOE OR TWO MAY APPEAR, IN FULL VIEW OF THE WHOLE WORLD BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS LEAVES HER GLASSES IN THE CAR AND REFUSES TO WEAR THEM UNLESS SHE IS DRIVING.
One of the humans admiring them is HALEY THE UNKNOWN AUTHOR. HALEY is a member of another perennially threatened species, the MENTALLY ILL UNEMPLOYED CRAZY CAT LADY/WRITER. But she’s not as cool about it as the otters. She’s TOTALLY INSANE. She’s a PHYSICALLY UNIMPRESSIVE HYPOCHONDRIAC COVERED IN SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF CAT HAIR, but her posture is not so much hunched as WEIGHED DOWN BY FIVE CATS WHO LIKE TO PERCH ON HER SHOULDERS. At 22 (SHE TURNED 22 IN MAY AND SHARES HER BIRTHDAY WITH HER FAVORITEST ORANGE CAT), HALEY is INSANELY MENTALLY ILL, with CONSTANTLY COLOR-CHANGING EYES, MAKING IT HARD TO FILL OUT HER DRIVER’S LICENSE APPLICATIONS. But her hair is now heavily salted BECAUSE SHE IS UNABASHEDLY GRANOLA-Y AND WOULD PROBABLY ACTUALLY WASH HER HAIR WITH SALT IF YOU SUGGESTED IT TO HER, and there IS THE GIANT WEIGHT OF A NEVER-ENDING MS ON TOP OF HER VERY PINK-framed nerd glasses.
One of the humans admiring them is RANDOMRANTER. RR is a member of another perennially threatened species, the ASPIRING novelist WHO OFTEN USES A STRANGE INTERNET PSUEDONYM. But she’s not as cool about it as the otters. She’s uneasy. She’s a physically solid GAL, 5 ft. 6 in., with significant HIPS, but her posture is not so much hunched as SLUMPED, LIKE SOMEONE WHO NEVER LEARNED GOOD POSTURE. At 36 (she turns 37 in OCTOBER), RR HAS permanently tousled hair AS A RESULT OF THE HIGH HUMIDITY IN HER HOMETOWN OF WASHINGTON, DC. But her hair is SEVERAL SHADES OF RED, AS IF SHE IS UNABLE TO COMMIT TO A SINGLE SHADE, and there are FOREHEAD WRINKLES PERCHED ABOVE HER BROWN EYES.
Here via Joss, who always shares the best stuff with her Best Beloveds.
I decided to do this as a MadLibs- first asking for assorted nouns/adjectives/body parts from my readers (10 suggestions came pouring in at last check), then filling them into the text as needed:
�One of the humans admiring them is captainsblog. captainsblog is a member of another perennially threatened species, the American literary TALK SHOW HOST. But he�s not as USEFUL about it as the otters. He�s YELLOW. He�s a physically HIRSUTE guy, 6 ft., with significant THUMBS, but his posture is not so much hunched as POLITICAL. At 50 (he turns 51 on NOV. 9, MAKING HIM ALMOST THE SAME AGE AS thanatos_kalos�S MOTHER, DEPRESSING HIM GREATLY), captainsblog is BARELY HUMAN-LOOKING, with permanently FRIZZY hair. But his PORK is now heavily salted, and there are JOWLS UNDER HIS thick-framed NOSE HAIR, BUT THAT�S AN OTTER STORY.�
They cut me out of the damn picture… AGAIN!!!!