I was at a super-long bat mitzvah Saturday (almost three hours) and I flagged a bit in the final stretch, so I began reading Genesis. Made it through most of Adam and Eve, along with Cain and Abel.
The thing that struck me was how the omniscient God pretended not to know what Adam and Eve had done. He — let’s just use “He,” as it’s as the Bible would have it — has to know, of course. The Judeo-Christian God just loved testing. He was, in some ways, the original Jewish mother.
The reading for the bat mizvah girl was drawn from the passage of Genesis that deals with the fall of Sodom. For those who don’t know, some angels came to visit Lot and the townspeople began clamoring for them to be sent outside, so the townspeople could be “intimate” with them. (“Rape,” according to the helpful footnotes.) Lot sends two daughters out instead. Later, Lot is fed alcohol by his surviving daughters, so they can be intimate with him and bear children, an option they feel will otherwise be denied them.
I have to say, I think that’s a tough draw as bat mitzvah readings go.
Ay caramba! Are the readings selected at random or something?
Never having attended a bat mitzvah, or familiar with what is offered, I’d say it was a bad choice all around. Who is responsible for selecting the readings? Hope to hell it isn’t the parents.
Did this poor girl lose a bar bet?
Lot had a tough time with the women in his life. I hear that his wife was so bad, she could really raise your blood pressure.
The irony is that there’s a painting in the National Gallery of Ottawa that depicts Lot and his daughters (I can’t remember who the artist was, but it was Renaissance-era) and it’s stunning. Disturbing as hell, but stunning.
Anyway, to answer some of the questions (excessive Jewish education alert) the Torah portions aren’t random, as each chapter of the Five Books is read in sequence beginning with the holiday of Simchat Torah (which took place at the end of October this year, later than usual) and partitioned out over the course of the Jewish calendar year. So IIRC this week’s was Vayera (loose translation: and he saw) and the Sodom part was from the latter portion of it.
I’m guessing this was a Conservative shul because the bat mitzvah took place on Saturday (and 3 hours really isn’t that long for a synagogue service, although normally when I go, I get there just as the Torah reading’s finishing up/final service is beginning) and the girl actually read from the Torah — or did she just give a speech and speak about the Sodom/Lot’s daughters stuff? Because if that’s the case then yeah, it’s a bit strange to do so.
OTOH my dad loves to tell a story about how he attended a bar mitzvah of this ultra-orthodox kid who gave a speech about marital relations (as there’s a chapter in Leviticus, I think, that deals with all the rules and regulations.) Evidently the kid delivered it in such a dry and deadpan manner that my dad cracked that sex had never been so boring.
But more importantly: how was the food?
I started to post in response to the bat mitzvah questions, and then I thought, “I’ll let Sarah do it!” (Sorry, S.)
Anyway, in my daughter’s bat mitzvah next October, the Torah portion will be the first lines of Genesis…which seems cool to me.
And, yes, the service will be three hours long, but many people won’t come till the “good stuff” starts.
Just to add some more info:
A typical Saturday service splits the Torah portion into seven parts. One person may read the entire portion, or they split them among several readers, but there’s a special blessing given to anyone who has the honor of getting the chance to be present (or read) from the Torah. The first portion (or aliyah) is given to a Kohain, or someone whose genetic lineage can be traced back to the High Priests who presided over the Temple. Second portion is given to a Levi, or those who descend from the Levite tribe and who had special duties when the Temple was in existence. Three through seven are given to anyone — originally male, but in many Reform or Conservative (and at some progressive Orthodox synagogues now, too) women also read from the Torah and/or get an aliyah.
Just to add another wrinkle, my own bat mitzvah was held on a Sunday. I was raised Orthodox where women traditionally don’t read from the Torah, and in fact the concept of bat mitzvahs is still fairly recent (my mother never had one.) So I gave a speech, my dad said something, the rabbi said something, and we went downstairs and ate from an enormous buffet that somehow forgot to include any bread other than a token challah roll. We were not amused.
I was bat mitzvahed in a conservative synagogue when girls could lead Friday night services and chant the Haftorah- not from the first 5 books but also a portion set by the time in the Hebrew Calendar-but do nothing on Saturdays. Now I can read Torah and can lead the Torah and Musaf(concluding) services on Saturday
This joke will be clear to some – It has some real truth in it.
The three syngagogues in town were being overrun by mice and the rabbis discussed how they did or did not succeed in getting rid of them. The first rabbi said- “well, we put out cheese and humane traps but we still have lots of mice.” The second rabbi said- “we used poison but it was too awful when people found dead mice when they came into services so we got rid of the poison and have more mice.” The third rabbi said- “I called all of the mice up to the beama( the stage/altar), I gave them all kippot(head coverings) and tallesim(prayer shawls), then they squeaked the Torah blessing and they were bar mitzvah. That was the last time I ever saw the mice in our synagogue”
I was really hoping this post was going to be about the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins group… Jesus he knows me, and he knows I’m right. I’ve been talkin’ to Jesus all my life.
Dave, have you ever read American Psycho? I believe that Patrick Bateman is a huge Phil Collins fan.
Also, Sarah, could you illuminate this oft-repeated saying in my household: “ShiShi is for horse thieves.”
Lot’s wife blood pressure joke- funny–
9-12- the usual time frame for Saturday morning Conservative serivces. However, many people don’t show up until 10- and at a bar or bat mitzvah- that is usually when the kid’s part starts. I sometimes greet at my synagogue so it is nice when people are there before the kid starts – otherwise, there is a lot of angst about missing the kid’s Torah reading or that the parents will note that you came late and missed the kid. Many of our kids lead the service starting at 10, read from the Torah(not the whole reading), do the Haftorah and then lead the rest of the service- but almost never give a talk.
Food- a big issue- we had a very,very nice lunch several weeks ago and the mother of the bat mitzvah girl told me several people came up to her husband and said it was too much food(even though the leftovers were all donated to a food bank). I told her someone told me there wasn’t enough salmon in the pasta sauce at my son’s bar mitzvah and some else complained to me(not at my family’s party) that the menu said “european breads” and they weren’t European(what did she think-they were going to fly in croissants from Paris).
At some point, I will tell the story of how the rabbi got rid of the mice(or not).
Good one, Andrea!
A very religious Jewish man is shipwrecked on a desert isle for years. When rescuers finally come, they find him dressed in tatters, surviving on coconuts and fish, and living in a shack made of ragged palm fronds, flotsam, and jetsam.
On the beach, though, are three huge, elaborate wooden buildings, each of which must have taken months to build.
What are those? the rescuers ask.
The man looks at them as if they’re nuts. “This one,” he says, pointing at the first structure. “is the synagogue I go to.”
He points at the second. “This is the synagogue I USED to go to,” he says.
Finally he points at the third. “And THIS one,” he says, his face wrinkled with disgust, “is the synagogue I wouldn’t go to if you paid me a million, billion dollars.”
………well, I guess you probably have to know the guy…..
I also knew Sarah would handle this portion.
I’ve been to several bat and bar mitzvahs, and we were keen to arrive “early” — aka on time — for this one, as we blanked on the older son’s bar mitzvah two years ago. (It was right after the death of a dear friend and we were a little lost.) Still, my last bat mitzvah at a conservative synagogue had clocked in at two hours.
The bat mitzvah girl was reading from the Vayera section and had to give a talk on how this was related to her own life. Not surprisingly, she chose to emphasize the theme of hospitality/how guests are treated in one’s home. She spoke of how her family invited guests to their Sabbaths and second-night Seders.
Most of the bat and bar mitzvahs I’ve attended have included these short talks.
I, for one, would very much like to hear the story of the mice and the rabbi.
Joe, when did they add the third synagogue to that joke? I only know the 2-shul version…
Laura — never heard that expression. I just googled it and got some 19th century Japanese story, which probably doesn’t help, does it?
Ah, I get it…so the bat/bar mitzvah involves a reading during the regular Saturday service? Makes sense…”now you’re an adult member of the community” and such. Do other adult members do the reading on other Saturdays or is it the rabbi?
>>>JD asks; “Do other adult members do the reading on other Saturdays or is it the rabbi?”<<<
At our synagogue (which admittedly defies easy classification), it’s an honor for both the synagogue and the individual for members to read from the Torah. At the High Holy Day services, the rabbi always mentions the names of everyone who read from the Torah for the first time the previous year.
And part of the point of Judaism is that you don’t even have to have a rabbi to run a service–just enough members of the congregation. So Torah-reading is definitely not restricted to the rabbi.
Um, about the Shi-Shi thing, I don’t imagine this will be any help, but I was amused that Sarah’s Googling turned up a Japanese reference, given the term’s usage in our family…
When we first lived on Oahu, my younger sister had just turned two and was on the verge of self-sufficiency in the bathroom arena. During this critical developmental juncture, we entertained two houseguests from Japan–a mom whose little boy, having just celebrated his own second birthday, was himself working on lavatorial-skill-set mastery.
Though he spoke no English, we had a great time playing together. I can’t remember his name, my Mom doesn’t recall which mutual friends asked whether our guest room was free that week. Even so, their visit is to this day commemorated in our household vocabulary–all “Mom? I have to go…” kiddie-bladder alerts still end with the word that little boy whispered while tugging on his mom’s skirt for bathroom support: “she-she.”
This led to a bit of linguistic confusion in a Chinese restaurant outside Boston, decades later. The very nice young waitress was inadvertantly charmed by our three-year-old’s request for the Ladies’, thinking we’d prompted the little wonder to say “shuh-shuh”– “thank you” in Mandarin.
I clapped a hand over Grace’s mouth before she could blurt more than “why’d that lady say ‘you’re welcome’ about going sh–”
Unless Laura’s relatives are making a sly reference to some stable-burgling-Yakuza slang equivalent for “piss like a racehorse,” however, none of this has any bearing on the original question.
I think the sin is seeing one’s father naked-. I don’t think the drinking is the big problem- after all, look at Purim and Passover- and of course, the use of wine – not grape juice- for blessings. Drunkeness is not good- but not the big sin here
And the Etz Hayim- the Conservative Chumash(Torah and Commentary)- says it was disrespectful for Ham to see his father unclothed- and that the description of Ham as the smallest child meant not in size but in moral stuture. Canaan is punished because the Torah sees the family as a unit and since Ham’s offense was lack of respect for his fahter, a fitting punishment would be to have a son who reflected badly on him.
I’ll have to go to the source on why Shishi is for horse thieves.
Meanwhile, I read the story of Noah last night. What is it with getting one’s dad drunk in the Bible? And what, exactly, was Canaan’s sin? Getting Noah drunk or seeing him naked? Also, do Biblical literalists have an explanation for how long-lived some of these guys were?
(I accidently bought an unintentionally hilarious Bible, intended for students, with lots of sidebars and charts. I am particularly fond of the little boxes that include “Ups” “Downs” and “Stats.” According to this Bible, being the first martyr was an “Up” for Abel. O-kaaaaaaaaay.
Laura–
I’ve heard many explanations for why some Biblical heroes supposedly lived so long, but none hold water. I wonder if it was just another way to show their importance, and the power of their religious beliefs.
And it sounds like you bought the USA TODAY Bible! You’ll know for sure if it has an up-close-and-personal interview with Moses by Larry King.
did you buy one of those Student Bibles? those are pretty terrible. I’m not much into the “study help” Bibles, though it is tough when purchasing as they disguise themselves very well.
what I always wondered is why people today view the Noah’s Ark story as one for children, and decorate their baby’s rooms in this theme – when really, it is a violent story about God’s wrath and death and hardships. I’m sure living on an ark with stinky animals for 40 days and 40 nights (and then some) was no picnic. And then, as you said, there’s the drunk father issues later on…not a bedtime story.
I did get a student Bible, but it provides much amusement. I especially like the little parable about the boys who go to violent movies and how it was precisely these attitudes that led God to flood the world.